Okay, so the other day, I hung out with an old friend who apparently is rich. She let me borrow her shorts. She's a size 00 and i'm a size 1 or 3 depending on the jeans and whatnot. Well I didn't want to wear the shorts anymore so i wore my jeans again. The next morning, she text me asking where her shorts are. I told her it was in her closet. She found them and told me they were ripped. Okay? I didn't know. I apologized.

I recently divorced my husband and had a court appointment today to work out custody arrangements for our two kids. He really spat his dummy out when he realized that he'd only have visitation and not joint custody. I couldn't understand why until he came up to me afterwards and asked if he could have custody of the PS3 anyway!

I am deathly allergic to peanuts and have been ever since I can remember. Imagine my shock when I went for a family meal today and felt my throat tighten. I really thought that I was a goner but my dad managed to administer my adrenalin pen within a few seconds. The worst thing about the whole experience? It was my mom that cooked for us!

Out of the clear blue my eight year old son asked me what breasts were, so I explained the best way I could and later that evening during dinner, he looks up at my husband and says, "Hey, Dad, did you know you were eating chicken boobies?"

I was standing in line waiting for my morning coffee this morning when an old friend walked by. He stopped to chat and told me that he got divorced after his ex tried to poison him. I gasped and asked what happened. His response? "It was the first time she ever cooked for me..."

My kids were watching the news with us in the den tonight when a piece about the swine flu came on. "Mommy," said my 4 year old daughter "Am I going to get swine flu and die?" Before I could answer, my 6 year old son piped up "No, you won't. Daddy said you're a little cow... not a pig."

Largely thanks to a hangover I got from last night's festivities, I missed my early class this morning. Next period I asked the guy that I'd liked for some time if I could borrow his notes to copy up. Smiling, he handed me 4 sheets of paper - 3 were the class notes and the fourth was a love letter... to my best friend - Dammit

Today I picked my three year old, Niamah, up from preschool and asked what she had been doing that day. Apparently she'd been learning to write her name. I asked her to spell her name, to which she replied "W-R-O-N-G". The teacher had corrected her attempts so many times that she was convinced it was how her name was written! - Dammit!

Today I spent a few hours in the garden with the kids planting some vegetables and tending to the bedding plants. A little later on I had to go to the store for milk but couldn't find my purse. I asked my son if he'd seen it and he nodded solemnly. "Mommy, I'm just trying to make money grow on trees." He'd buried it that afternoon. - Dammit!

We were having a conservatory built and my six year old son would hear me moaning about the builders. My in laws came for dinner and asked my son how he was, his reply was, I would be ok if those lazy bastards pulled their finger out of their arse! - Dammit!